feels so weird to write that date.  i debated on whether or not to talk about 9-11 here... but then it occurred to me-- i cannot ignore this day.  i have tried.  but... i just can't.

and then i thought, well, maybe some years from now when someone reads this they'll be able to say "yeah i know what you mean" or "yeah i was there" or some kid will read it who was born after it happened and they will have something concrete to hold onto, from a real person who really felt all these emotions.

i don't know...

all i know is that i am a MESS today.  i manage a travel agency.  so 9-11 is in our faces, in our lives, every single day.  most of the time, it's just something we refer to, almost as an excuse ("well since sept. 11th things have changed... you can't do _____ anymore" etc.) but today i am just sad.  i don't know what i ever fully processed what happened a year ago today.  i have been weeping off and on all day... feeling so philosophical as we are on the verge of war-- this time can't be called peaceful and prosperous anymore.  i am completely daunted. 

and i feel silly-- silly for getting so down about things going on in my little life... when there are so many other people in the world (in the nation!) going through more than i will ever fathom.

i am afraid of going to war.  i am afraid that one mistake, or one arrogant leader, will lead to chemical or nuclear annihilation.  i am afraid that my children won't have a safe world to grow up in and explore.  i am deeply afraid.

i also know that these are worst-case scenarios and they are not happening at the moment and they may never happen, and it's not healthy for me to live in fear (which i don't think i do).  but if i were to say i have confidence that bush will make the right decision i would be lying.

he literally has the weight of the world on his shoulders right now, and he knows that he must weight every move and decision from all angles to try and anticipate reaction and backlash... it's not a position i would want to be in.

and the world changing so quickly and so abruptly has made me think and reflect on myself... my actions... and what am i doing to help?  and what am i doing to make my life the best and must worthwhile it can be during my short stint on this planet? 

i wonder why i am not good at keeping up with people-- keeping in contact with friends from college, friends that are so close to my heart but who i haven't spoken to on the phone in months?  friends i think about every day... but i just get so wrapped up in my little day to day world that time slips away and suddenly it's been a year...

i'm very hard on myself and i am not the only guilty one... and i am making progress but i am human...

and i am alive.  and today, september 11, 2002, that is what i am grateful for.

i am alive.

thank you.


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