06/07/02

i see what i want, i know where i want to be-- it's cloudy though.  but for some reason, i just don't have the motivation to make my way there.  i feel like i'm running in place... running nowhere... running to stand still. 

i see what's on the horizon and yet i'm not walking towards it, i'm just standing here staring at it.  why?  what's holding me back? 

myself, i guess...

i'm frustrated... restless (well that's pretty much normal), dissatisfied.  i'm talking huge and living small.  i want to do creative things but i just don't.  i'm here... want to be there... but i'm just stuck... here.  i feel like a gerbil running around in one of those stupid squeaky wheels.  or even in a gerbil ball, running around the room inside of this plastic thing-- it's distorting my vision, and i can't quite get where i want to go because there's some barrier there that i can't quite identify or knock down... so i just keep jogging in place, even though i know that's not getting me anywhere.

"it seems my way has lost its way again, since i'm goin' nowhere..." --tammany hall nyc, 'time to head home.'  they're great...

my music listening evenings are gone.  my stereo is broken and i haven't gotten it fixed.  haven't bought a new one, either.  there's no good reason-- i just haven't.  and that has held me back... because i used to be fanatical about listening to music.  i have music in the car on the way to and from work.. i have music at work (although it's not always my first choice, since it's piped in via satellite).. but that's about it.  it's rare that i listen to music at home anymore.  and when i'd listen to music at home, i'd write.

maybe i should just start hauling my portable cd player with me and go to the bookstore every day before i come home from work.

i've just gotten into this nasty habit of coming home and plopping myself in front of the computer.  and that's after i've spent 8-10 hours in front of a computer all day at work.  and i sit here and stare at things on the internet.  play silly internet games.  read postings on the couple of message boards i visit.  sift through hundreds of junk mail messages through all of my email accounts.  and then, brett gets home and we decide what to do about dinner and then we either end up sitting in front of the tv watching it all night while we eat and vegetate...  or we go out to eat and get home and watch a movie... or something else that wastes time.  precious time.

and then i feel guilty for not spending enough time with him when i do decide to do things on my own.  but i need to ... i need to re-establish some independence because i don't really have any right now.  and it's my own fault-- brett certainly isn't holding me back... it's just comfortable and nice to be here all the time when he's here.  and right now the time we're spending together isn't necessarily quality, either-- i'm sitting at the computer and he's watching tv... or we're both watching tv.  it's not quality.. we're just existing in the same room.  i could be doing more productive things and so could he.  and yet... we just don't. 

i hate the fucking tv.  it's such an easy answer to everything.  it's like a babysitter, y'know?  it babysits my mind... occupies it so no actual thoughts invade.  and i like my mind to be invaded by thoughts... it's what makes me, me.... it's what makes me special and weird and unique.

so i guess what i really need to concentrate on is doing small things for myself.. and only myself.  i need to catch up on my letter writing too... there are many things i need to catch up with.

because once i get the creative juices flowing again... my life will be back to me and heading away from blah.

and that's really what i want.

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