05/25/02

i always get a little down on my birthday.  i dunno why.... it just happens.  maybe because i'm thinking maybe i'm not everything or everyone that i should be... maybe i get to thinking that i'm not enough.  or that i'm not someone to be proud of, or that people don't quite see me how i want them to see me... or whatever.  i'm too hard on myself in many ways and not hard enough on myself in others...

not that i'm trying for perfection or anything.  far from it.. i'm one of the first (if not firstest) to admit when i'm wrong, or when i know i'm doing something i shouldn't be bothering with-- and i do it anyway, though i know it's working against my overall goal.  why do we do this.. it's like torture-- if i can't have it all then i don't even want a little bit of it.  whatever 'it' is...

i desperately need to lose weight.  i need to eat better.  i need to have more established eating habits, rather than eating sporadically during the day or at any hour of night before i happen to decide it's ok to go to bed.

i need to be better about leaving work at a decent hour instead of 2 hours late... i need to be better about keeping in touch with people.  people everywhere-- college friends, other friends.  i need to be better about shrugging off those friends that really don't do me any good.  i have one friend in particular i'm thinking of... we were so close this time last year, and now, we couldn't be farther apart.  we've both suggested getting together, but neither of us have made a huge effort to the cause-- and i think we both know why.  at least, i do... it takes too much out of me to maintain a friendship with her.  she's very self-centered, and it seems she's become more that way even in a year.  i'm tired of dealing with her flakiness and her quick-and-quickly-regretted decisions.  i'm tired of listening to her when she just sort of 'um-hms' whatever i say, and i can tell she's not really listening, just mirroring learned behavior to suggest she's listening.

but letting go of a friend is such a difficult thing to do.  people meander in and out of our lives at such odd times it seems.. but always when we most need it.  the meandering out is the hard part to deal with... sometimes it seems the timing couldn't be more off with the departures of some people in our lives... usually it's too soon for our liking. 

but sometimes, it's a relief.

there are other people i intend to keep in touch with... people who live really close to me, just a short drive away.. and yet-- i make little or no effort to see them.  i don't know why.  there's no good reason, other than i haven't made the time.  the time is there, i just haven't pushed enough minutes together from the days in my week to clear the room for one night with a succulent friend. 

and yes, there are the excuses-- i have been extremely busy at work and therefore leaving late.. and when i get home i usually feel like doing nothing but staring at the tv (that HAS to change)... we haven't been to the grocery store lately so we've been eating out entirely too often... or worse-- ordering in.  i didn't used to be this lazy.  but after busting my ass all day at work, there's some little voice inside of me that says it's ok to be lazy when i get home.  like it's justified.

but i didn't used to do that... i used to put off going home by stopping at the bookstore or sitting in the corner cafe watching people and writing... this all boils back down to me not doing enough writing.  i've slowly started to do more of it... resuscitating my webpage and slowly getting the journal out and blowing the dust off it-- and that helps.. it really does.. but right now i'm still not writing enough for me to feel an honest difference.  i think about writing, i try to motivate myself to do it, and then i get distracted and then it's after midnight and i need to get to bed.

there are so many times now when i think about the fact that by living in texas, i'm not living my dream.  when i was in boston-- as unhappy as i was at times there... i was living my dream (one of many).  i fell in love with boston the instant i stepped foot outside the airport, and i did it-- i lived there.  i moved there, just like i said i would.  and i thought about that every single day i was there.  even when it came time for me to leave, i was still thinking about the fact that i was living my dream.

and then coming back to texas was the slap in the face.  because even though i was ready to leave new england, there's a part of me that was never ready to leave... that still lives there... that still wishes i was there.. that always will wish i'm there...

and when i look at my life like this, i realize that a whole lot of what i'm doing is definitely not living out any of my dreams.  right now, in a lot of ways, i'm just living.  i'm just passing time.  but it's not exciting me. 

my dreams?  to live in maine.  or somewhere north of boston... far enough outside of the city not to have to deal with traffic of any sort, but close enough to go in for the weekend, or just a day, or part of a day.  i dream of living on the beach.  i know just the house, too.  probably worth 1.5 + million but who's counting.  i dream of writing... writing writing and writing more... and somehow something comes out of all the writing that i can call a 'book' or a 'collection' and it's published, and people love it.  i dream of never having to have the 9 to 5 job again.  never ever.  i dream of owning a really nice car.  because i like to drive, this is a priority for me.  i don't need a ferrari or anything... but a nice bmw will do.  a 330... that dark blue color with gray interior.  4 door.  maybe 2 door.  i don't really care.  but at the point where i'm ready to own a bmw, i'll get picky then.  i dream of being a good mother and a wonderful wife.  i dream of simply being happy with where i'm living.  i dream of owning a boesendorfer ... but until then, i'd be happy with a pramberger... especially a steinway... or any piano, for that matter...

and until the time when i don't have to work anymore, i'd really like to teach high school english.

right now there are so many obstacles in the way of my dreams.  but i'm slowly getting there.  some are closer than others... and some seem so distant.

i think a lot of these feelings will fade once we close on the house.  i'm not going to say anything more about that until it actually happens... because we still have an inspection to go through.  so.  but i think having a place to put down roots (instead of hopping around from parents house to apartment to apartment) will help me feel more at home.. more at ease with having a life in texas. 

and i love the house...

and right now i'm feeling overall pretty selfish.  but i'm allowed-- after all... it's my birthday.

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