05

05/06/02

so this morning on the way to work i was listening to that song 'everloving' by moby. that's the song that i was listening to when i suddenly had my epiphany while still living in good old mass. and suddenly i knew i needed to come back to texas. the song unnerves me still, and i often have to skip over it just because the emotions it somehow draws out of me are too intense to deal with when you've got other people in the car or you're half awake.

but this morning i listened... turned it up, even. it's one of those songs that puts me in that state of mind... you know the one, it makes you question everything you're doing with your life... makes you wonder if you're making the right choices... makes you wonder if you're really doing the best you can do.

in some ways... in many ways, i know i'm not. doing the best i can, that is. these past months at work have been a lesson in sheer survival, and here i am, i've survived, and now it's time to recover.. move on... learn from the mistakes, get better... be better...

where do i find the motivation? how do i get myself back into music? i don't know. the focus for brett and me has been finding a house. time is being magically whittled away and we still haven't found "the" house. and in the meantime, i've been going to work, doing a half-ass job, coming home, and wasting the evening. go to bed... get up, do it all over again.

some nights are great-- if we go out somewhere for dinner, or if we at least have dinner together... watch a movie, etc... but.. a lot of that time is just wasted, i think.

i used to be alone all the time... i did that on purpose because for a time, surrounding myself with people was just too complicated. so i spent the majority of my time alone, alone, alone. and i LOVED it. i found so much to do to occupy my time. i thought a lot-- so much more than i do now... i wrote a LOT-- which is more than i can say for these days... i listened to music that shook my core.. read SARK books, read Spilling Open over and over.. even before i bought it, i'd go to bookstores and read it and try to hide the tears running down my face.. i spent time in bookstores then, just wandering around and if something piqued my interest-- i checked it out. i wandered a lot then.. but mostly i wrote. on the train to and from work every morning and night, i wrote. listened to my headphones, blocked out the world and wrote about it. i became so strong... so incredibly strong.

now i wonder if i'm strong at all. if because i'm with brett i'm automatically weaker. i love him so much and i want so much for everything i do and for everything about me to please him. yet, there's just this fine line between being myself and being who i think he wants me to be... and i KNOW that he wants me to be myself.. that that's who he fell in love with... the independent me... the me who does things on her own and doesn't mind what other people think.

sometimes i'm guilty of being a bad friend because i've geared myself towards pleasing people so much in my life... and if i get skipped over for a night out with friends then suddenly i wonder if i'm not good enough. if i'm not pleasing enough to be around... if i'm not fun enough or .. just whatever. it's not so much a jealousy thing as it is a self-evaluation thing. i get concerned because i think oh my god.. what if i did something to piss that person off and that's why they don't want me out with them.. when in reality it likely has absolutely nothing to do with me.

but i don't know that..

i'm a bad friend sometimes, too... just downright selfish. self-centered, even... maybe. i don't know.

what i really need to do is be better. i need to be better at being ME. that will take care of everything else, too, in time.

it took me a year to recover from keith. really, that's a long time. i thought he was it... i thought that i wasn't going to have to look anymore.. that the search was over.. and really all it was-- i was blind.. i blinded myself, wore blinders so that i couldn't see how much pain i was in and how i was so willing to stay in that pain.. to wallow in it even. why we do things like that to ourselves sometimes i'll never know. sometimes it's so easy to be kind to others and the most difficult job to be kind to yourself.

i see the world how i want it to be.. how i want my little corner to look and right now i don't see the HOW to get there.. i only see the current state and i envision the final product.. but don't seem to know which step to take next to get there.

i know i know. i know how to do it... i've done it before, so many times. i'm strong enough and i can do it.. i have such a mixture of good things and bad things in my life right now that just could so easily be so much better if i'd just face it head on, acknowledge, accept, and act.

but i still don't understand how sometimes it seems the world around you-- everyone around you too-- is moving so damned fast, and here i am-- in slow motion.......

so that's me... right now.

(and yes, i did get new house shoes... and this is what i'm listening to right now.. http://www.glassrecords.com)

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