10/25/01

i need new houseshoes.  no really-- these, the ones i'm wearing right now, are so tattered and worn that i can now feel the floor through the holes in the seams.  or, i can feel the floor through the places where there used to be seams.

hello again, by the way.

here i am... yes i  know it's been quite some time... i've had some people email me, asking me what the deal is, why it's been so long since updating my page.  it's been nice having people actually ask after me-- it lets me know there are a certain few who do occasionally look here, if for no other reason than morbid curiosity. 

actually, i got an unexpected email from a past coworker telling me that he missed my journal updates.  i was floored, because i had no idea that he ever really looked here.  so, for all you nosy people... here you are.  reading material for you to quickly skim over to see that yes, i am still alive and kicking.

my life has changed so much since moving back to texas.  i think about it, have been thinking about it a lot lately.  a year ago, i rode public transportation to work everyday.  i worked in downtown.  there were no windows in the building where i worked.  i sat in a cubicle.  i was single and never happier to be so.  my roommate just about drove me to madness. 

this time last year, i was wearing a coat every day.  all day. 

my free time was spent on the web, writing a lot (here and on paper), and sinking myself into music.  i spent a lot more time with my cat.  i listened to new music in my portable cd player and wrote in my journal on the train every night on the way home from work (maybe, if i try really hard, i can fit a few more prepositional phrases into one sentence).

this time last year i was lost, and i was trying so hard to find myself again.  i wasn't succeeding.  the only thing i was able to really identify about myself in this time of my life was... i wasn't happy.  i hadn't yet figured out why i wasn't happy and what i was going to do about it.  i pointed the finger at various things but i hadn't really hit the nail on the head yet... i hadn't yet realized that i was going to have to leave boston, the city i love so much...

i loved boston enough to leave before i stopped loving it. 

i don't know if that really makes sense or not.  it likely doesn't.  but it doesn't have to make sense to you, it only has to make sense to me, and it does.  it makes perfect sense to me because i know all of the context surrounding that simple yet vague statement.

i was homesick.  i couldn't wait for my thanksgiving break so i could see my family.  i was fed up with being homesick, too.  i was fed up with a lot of things...

shifting forward-- here i am now, in october.  seems like october is always an important month in my life, whether in a good way or a bad way.

i think october is a great month to get married.

and now, this october, i am happy.  i am content.  my life has had so many ups and downs, and for the past few months i've been on a definite upswing.  i got a promotion at work.  moving out of my parents' house in august lifted this burden of stress from my shoulders and i suddenly felt free again (wonder why).  i started branching out, making a couple of new friends outside of work.  oh, and i work with great people.  i have been watching less tv.  eating healthier.

his name is brett.  and right now, that's all you get to know.

i have been writing less, but i don't feel guilty about it (for once).  i have felt less of a need to surround myself with myself.  i have felt less of a need to be stuck in reflection.  granted, i am still reflective and i will always be... it's just that for now i am perfectly happy taking life one day at a time.

and then i realize-- last year, my month after month of personal misery, was really just preparing me for happiness.  last year prepared me for the gratefulness i feel today.  it prepared me for today, when i appreciate all of the good things in my life and i don't feel this deep inner need to stir up the pot and make trouble, just because i can't grasp being happy with being happy.  last year-- every year of my life, really, prepared me for my attitude now. 

i have finally grown up.  it's official.  little by little, i have realized that my personal trials have indeed led me to this moment.  i am the best person i have ever been.  i am more aware than i have ever been.  i am more humble, more confident.  i am more appreciative and less demanding.  i am more giving and less taking.  i am less afraid to get what i want.  i feel inner calm.  i feel at peace with myself and what i am doing with my life.  in a nutshell-- i feel good.

really good.  this is the best i've ever been and it just sort of hit me upside the head one day, these facts did...

i have been enjoying living life every day and i have felt less of a desire to sit glued to my computer screen, connected to the internet.  so i just haven't.

but, i've been here off and on all along... just not bothering to update until now.  one of these days i'll get myself together and make myself change this webpage around a bit... give her a new look and actually fix the broken links (there are a lot of broken links on the links page especially). 

but... until then...

oh yeah.  and for anyone who never thought i'd give a sport like ice hockey a chance-- you might as well fall right out of your chair ... right about now.. because i've actually watched more dallas stars games than i have cowboys games.  and some local hockey, too. 

more on that later.

maybe...

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