journal-08/19/01

08/19/01

i have the most difficult time with achieving balance. balancing all of the bouncing balls in my life so that i get a heavy dose of moderation every day. there are things i want to do in my life that require the discipline of every day. and yet-- i am stuck... stuck living in the rut of decadence, overexposure. i exist in spurts, it seems. and this frustrates me because it seems that's all i'm capable of doing.

i want to write every day and yet i don't. i want to get back in to playing piano and i don't. i want to exercise more and i don't.

i want, want, want, yet i don't, don't don't.

why?

i don't get it... it's a life pattern i think, a pattern that's holding me back from being everything i can be.

or maybe it's just that i am so afraid to break that pattern and that's what's holding me back-- the fear.

i honestly don't know. it's funny how it's so easy to identify the things that i do wrong with myself, yet it's so difficult to actually correct it. break the mold, break the pattern, break through to a new horizon.

i suppose all of this is a lesson in my lack of discipline. i want certain things and i suppose that when i want them badly enough, i'll simply go out and get it. i'll simply do it.

and until then, these will be things i merely want but do not need, things i merely desire but will not accomplish.

this offers some comfort:
"Be not afraid of going slowly; be only afraid of standing still." --Chinese proverb

and so here i am, going slowly...