journal-06/17/01

06/17/01

When it comes to details-- to telling a story, I vary between two extremes-- I either give the story and the pre-story or I only give headlines-- not enough info to see what I see in the meaning of actions within the story.

When I think of my first true love, for example-- I can't easily explain him or my connection to him, past and present. Even the connection he and I had long before we knew each other. So when someone asks me a question that involves him as the answer, I feel like I need to unpack the entire suitcase-- leave nothing unsaid, tell the whole story from beginning to end-- or else it's not worth knowing. The trouble is, that's not what most people want. Most people only want the answer to whatever question they asked, they only want the headlines.

This frustrates me. I want to give them everything, the whole story, the background so that person can truly understand the depth, perceive the intensity, the immensity, of the punchline-- the answer to their question.

Most don't have the patience for it. So when I encounter someone who does have this patience, someone who's genuinely curious about details, background, the small and individually-insignificant-but-when-snowballed-together-most-important-part-of-the-story details-- I tend to suck dry the marrow of that curiosity. This is how people truly get to know each other, peel back the onionskin layers of the soul; this is how anyone will truly know me. So the ones who aren't curious to the point of exhaustion usually exhaust all interest out of me. What's the point of being a friend to someone if the intention isn't getting to know that person as deeply as you're allowed?

This is why I don't understand superficial people. How do they live? How do they make it through life knowing full well that no one in the world truly knows them? Well enough to look into their eyes and know how they feel? Without saying a word?

As I get older my handwriting gets messier, but my thoughts get clearer (or more garbled, sometimes this is unclear). My opinions get stronger and more deeply rooted within my mind, my intentions become more obvious and honest, I become more sure of who I am and what I do and do not want-- from myself, for myself, from others. I am not afraid to ask more questions, I am not afraid to be myself, I am not afraid to want what I want and to ask for it, to go get it.

I am less afraid in general.

Which is not to say I am never afraid because as evidenced by previous entries that is not true at all. There's a lot that scares me. I'm just not afraid to admit it anymore.

I'm getting older, and what I want is clearer and more tangible and I'm quite young enough to get those things. Some dreams are still out of reach but they're dreams I know I'll live out someday vs. having dreams I can only dream of living out.

I hope to never live my life like it's over; I hope to live every day just as it is-- a day, a chance to do it right, a moment to continue becoming myself, belonging to myself.

These days I am doing well with belonging to myself. It's underrated. It's a special and daily task. it's a challenge.

It's also remarkable.