journal-06/10/01

06/10/01

do we ever completely heal? or just mostly heal?

i've been angry lately about a lot of things.. about anything. angered easily over silly, little, insignificant things. someone suggested that maybe the anger comes from somewhere in my past. in all of the instances i've become angry it's been initiated by someone treating me or approaching me without recognition of my validity as a human... as a woman. it was subtly or not-so-subtly implying that i am less than... <

i can think if times in my life where i've been treated this way before.. in childhood, as a teenager, as an adolescent in college... as an adult. no one likes being made to feel sub-human. but it happens ever day.

it doesn't have to, no doubt. i don't have to give people that power, but sometimes, maybe when i'm feeling weak, i do give people the power.

i think i've healed from a lot of the times i've been treated as less than human in my childhood-- but can anyone ever really totally heal from that kind of stuff? especially when it's dolled out by peers... people you're supposed to identify with in the first place? i don't know. i'm inclined to say no.. the healing is not complete or certain, it is partial and subjective.

but it's better than hurting all of the time-- only hurting some of the time, though the reasons for hurting seem unknown until we think about it, pry deeper into the layers of our soul, and then there-- we see the bleeding.

people wonder how i can share so much here. i say i don't apparently share enough or else i'd be the strongest person in the world. i think that every day people practice not sharing part of themselves because it's safer. it gives the appearance that we're stronger... in reality it performs the opposite actions to the soul (every action has an equal and opposite reaction-- funny how simple physics applies to matters of the soul).

in not sharing the soul becomes weaker and more susceptible to pain, less able to feel, less apt to care. as difficult as it is we have to share, we have to get the pain out-- reach inside and pull it out of the depths and lay it on the table for close inspection by ourselves-- it's far more important to examine one's own pain, frustrations, wounds than it is to inspect those of others. the more we inspect our pain the more we can heal... the more we heal, the more we can look up and out with a smile that comes from deep inside. the more we look the more we see. the more we see, the more we can reach out to help others.

you can't truly help anyone until you help yourself first.