journal-05/28/01

05/28/01

The sun couldn't be brighter and the wind couldn't be stronger and I am here, on a random beach near Sausalito, California, and I wish I were more alone.

I want those moments back, that time when I was invincible because my soul was complete. I want to erode away in the rushing water, I want it to carry me away forever, I want that helpless feeling of being lost in waves and undertow-- that panicky feeling you always get just before giving in, just before going with the flow, letting go, allowing yourself to feel, allowing yourself to flow with the waters, allowing the waves to carve at your skin, steal your breath, sap your will to fight against it. That magic moment when the helplessness turns to trust, and the waters magically hold, comfort, heal.

I want to be in love again, so deep that I can't see out, so amazing that I don't want to see out. I want to open the floodgates, let him under my skin, let him in. I want to be at night beside him, the two of us never happier to be more alone in the world. I want our own private world, where people may tread in the outer waters but no one truly gets in.

I want fire, passion, I want my world to be rocked in ways I've never dreamed of. I want to close my eyes and remember every beautiful amazing moment. I want to be here-- in love, forever. I want everyone to know what it feels like, I want everyone to understand. I want a touch that ignites electricity through my veins, conducting energy. I want to be swallowed whole and accepted, no parts of me spat on the ground to be washed away.

I want magic.

Is this asking too much?