journal-05/20/01

05/20/01

I've been having these thoughts lately.. I get them periodically and they just annoy me in different but similar ways every time..

Ever have a distinct desire to just disappear off the face of the earth you know.. and reappear as a completely different person.. in a different place.. doing different things.. completely reinventing yourself? Sometimes I just feel like I'm doing absolutely nothing for the good of humanity and it makes me want to quit my job and do something very humble that pays nothing and probably costs something but that will give me that deep down satisfaction that I'm doing something RIGHT.

I guess I feel like I'm at another transition point in my life, a crossroads where something major has just happened (i.e. moving back to TX) and now I'm finally realizing that HELL.... I'm HERE and not THERE. But what would it really matter if I were "there"... wherever "there" is? Because I'd probably be restless there too. See, I'm always wondering if there's a better place for me to live.. if there are better things I should be doing with myself.. I have grand dreams and lofty goals and I'm just not sure when I'm going to feel that kick in the ass to get started living the life I truly want. The life I have now isn't bad.. it's pretty good, actually.. but it's not at all what I bargained for. I'm slowly aiming for the targets of my dreams and goals.. but not quickly enough-- sometimes I feel like I'm just treading water, not making any actual headway with my life. (Once again... Flaubert's Parrot rears its crazy head in my life.... "Does the world progress? Or does it merely shuttle back and forth like a ferry?")

I guess nothing ends up as we've planned it... although when it comes to life I'm not much of a planner (surely you've seen this evidence by now?).

Half of me is so grounded.. rooted.. deeply rooted in family, friends, love... and the other half of me is just itching to get the hell out of here and never speak to anyone again-- just be nomadic. To a point, this is what I've done for the past 8 years. I moved to Nashville to go to college.. I moved to Philly to get the hell away from my parents after I graduated college.. I moved to Boston because I thought that was the answer. I feel like I'm always searching for this grand answer to all of my questions but a part of me feels like I'll always be searching for those answers. I wonder what the point of me moving is when I always end up feeling restless anyway, eager (yet dreading the logistics of packing, unpacking) to uproot and move again, shedding the cloak I wore in one place, donning another when I arrive to a new place... Am I sounding crazy here or does everyone feel this way to some extent? I really just want to live the most valuable and wonderful and meaningful and fun life I can possibly live.. and I don't think I've ever felt confident that that's indeed how I'm living. Possibly when I was in college... but no.. not even then.

This of course leads me to further doubts and questions about whether I'll ever be happy "settling down" and getting married and having children and not being able to just pick up and go whenever and wherever I want to because there are other people factoring into the equation. Will I always be a loner, content to be discontent? A part of me feels the underlying answer is "yes."

Of course, I've said before that I've known all along I won't be entirely, truly happy until I can devote all of my time to writing.. .to become a better writer, to hone the craft so I can actually get some of this shit published for real some day... for now-- it remains a dream.. a goal that sits somewhere high on a pedestal, just visible enough to remind me it's there.

So here I am, my terribly normal, average self.

*sigh*

(Am I experiencing heightened self-awareness lately... or self-absorption?

No.

No more questions tonight...)