journal-05/04/01

05/04/01

I noticed something tonight-- or, more accurately, I thought about something tonight. When I connect to the internet on my computer, the dial-up screen (yes.. no.. I don't have DSL.. leave me alone) has an icon-- a picture of a little computer, and behind that, a picture of a spinning globe, with an electrical wire connecting the two. What strikes me about this little picture is the idea that I'd need a computer to connect to the rest of the world. Traditionally, connecting to the world has been done in other ways-- by ship, by letter, by TV, by telegram, by books, by simply talking to other humans. And this brings me to one of many questions asked in Flaubert's Parrot-- "Does the world progress? Or does it merely shuttle back and forth like a ferry?" Are we really making headway, or are we still making the same mistakes over and over again? It's hard to say-- we're probably doing a little of both.

Fundamentally, I am really no different than I was as a kid-- strip away all that I've learned, all that I've been through, all the people I've met-- and I'm still me, linda lee tritton. It's no shock. I mean, I suppose there are people in the world who do a complete flip-flop... a total transition, reinvention into a new "self"-- but there are just certain elements of a being that will always be the same.

Add on mask on top of mask, and you get the current person: you see what that person wants you to see. Add on a mask of experience, a mask of defensiveness, a mask of distrust, a mask of lies-- and it's easy enough to cover up a good person.

How then... does one strip down to the real self? By looking inward... by reaching inside and pulling out the soul of the self deep within-- that self can be resuscitated. I think I need to do this more often-- but I think there are so many people who need to do this more often than I ever will, or have, or should.

But that's my judgment and in many ways, my judgment is probably wrong. It's likely way off. No matter. What matters is what's inside-- and turning that inside out-- exposure. It's vital... It's nearly impossible to do all the time, constantly, consistently-- but we must forever try. These things, these parts of my soul desperately ache to be seen, heard, known-- yet I have so much trouble showing these tiny parts (these huge parts?). I am a secure enough person, yes... but showing who I really am to the world at all times is the hardest thing for any one person to do-- it's easy to become confused, it's easy to listen to too many external voices, too much input and not enough output. More output... more.. more! Get thee outside of thyself. Show me your true colors-- you'll be glad you did.

More importantly, however-- be true to yourself and show yourself your true colors... you must first accept your own colors before you can even possibly expect anyone else to accept your colors. Perhaps your colors are those that other humans have only dreamed about but have never seen? What if you never showed them? You'd be denying reality for yourself-- you'd be denying the beautiful, unique reality for someone else, someone who's just been waiting their whole lives to truly know someone like you.