journal-05/03/01

05/03/01

i hear your voice
in silence,
echoing loudly--
blaring--
deep, from somewhere in-between,
a black hole,
a mystery
(you always were)--

i try to remember how you sound,
exactly how you look,
how you feel--
it's less profound now
than those years ago
(and are you here)
but still,
i hear you--
faintly,
intermittently--
you're rooted somewhere
deep and unrecognizable
in my soul.

every new person i meet
finds a way to remind me
of you,
a laugh--
a way of speaking,
a phrase,
a puff of smoke.
you come in spurts
with images constantly fading--
i strain my eyes closed
fighting to see you
(i see you)
and chains of thought start with now
reverberate,
revert back to then
and invariably,
you
(did i ever not know you?)

questions unanswered,
but here i am
and where are you?

*** ***** ***

who knows what this is-- this is what i'm doing with my life, that's what it is. this is who i'm becoming-- who i am-- who i have been. this. this this.

sometimes it's hard to define, sometimes it's difficult to pick it out, notice it as extraordinary in a world full of ordinary.

but i am.

extraordinary, i mean.

in a way, anyway. in many ways, i'm not unlike any other human being. in many ways i am a conformist. in many ways i am imperfect. in many ways i am quirky-- weird.

in all ways, i am me.

sometimes that's really hard. sometimes the hardest thing in the world is just belonging to myself.

belong to myself.

there are no instructions! this is a trial and error, a journey made up of very short and some very long and meandering walks. this is the war containing many battles.

this is my life.

i will be 26 this month. i am in debt-- credit cards, school loans, car payment. i am a travel agent-- which is not at all what i went to school (and acquired the school loan debt) for. i am single (it seems this is something i've become expert in... sometimes it seems chronic). i'm horrible at saving money, i am sometimes a very bad friend, i am not always a good person and i am sometimes unforgivably selfish, i am weird to the point where most don't understand me, i need to be/feel needed, i sometimes claim to need too much from others when really it's that i need from myself (and i'm not taking). i sometimes feel hopelessly lonely. i sometimes feel very fat, i am very imperfect, and for the most part i accept my imperfections. it's only sometimes that i feel these things, only sometimes that i don't quite accept myself--

"all of your pain and suffering comes from your resistance to what is."

ah yes well... this is something i've got to work on.

don't you?