journal-03/26/01

03/26/01

why do i bother to hide things... all that's doing is masking the real me.

masks... we all wear them. why?

protection... acceptance... fear...

sabrina ward harrison has spilled something open... her journal, book, artwork called spilling open. sabrina ward harrison has spilled herself open on pages, in images, with thoughts.

i envy her.

she's younger than me and she is smarter than me. there are many people who fit this category, but she's smartly emotional too. she writes,

"when do i stop and believe that i am enough as i am? with all the parts of me that feel too small or too lumpy or too quiet or not edgy or too deep feeling too too too too. i must ask myself 'what am i trying to be that i already am?' if i don't love those parts of me, the tucked in sucked in silent parts... i think it will be a very sad journey. and a pathetic waste of time..

"if you're not yourself who will be?"

think about that... "if you're not yourself
who will be?"

there is a song i've become hooked on. it's on the sweet november soundtrack. that movie made me sad, but as soon as i heard the pieces of this song interspersed in the movie i knew i had to have it. it's a beautiful song, it's a duet with the two least likely women you'd ever expect to sing together-- and their voices are absolutely gorgeous and harmonious in that togetherness...

maybe i'll tell you who it is, maybe i won't. but anyway, here are the lyrics:

there is a diamond inside of me
that lights up the sky
of my soul

black fell the diamond when
i believed that all of the hurting
was my fault

chorus:
i'm opening the heart door
letting in the light
opening the heart door
i'm giving life to the me
that died

you ended us
with that person
who comes home too late
from the bar

i ended us
when my courage
could finally walk on its own
when i finally opened the door

chorus:
i'm opening the heart door
letting in the light
opening the heart door
i'm giving life to the me
that died

you ended us
with that person
who comes home too late
from the bar

i ended us
when my courage
could finally walk
on its own

when i finally opened the door.

*sigh* ok, i give in. paula cole wrote the song... she sings lead. dolly parton is her back-up. it's called "heart door." you've got to hear it. it's got slide guitar, piano, beautiful voices, occasional drum beats.

this song is about walking away... walking away and opening the new door that's waiting quietly, partially shadowed in darkness but with enough light showing to leave a path. this song is about discovering new self-love... discovering new self-life. it's about pain and how much gumption it takes to leave a familiar but bad situation. this song is powerful yet delicate. this describes me.

i am powerful yet delicate.

i spill myself open on this webpage, yet i still hold so much back.

if you ask nicely, perhaps someday i'll tell you more.

there are people i still love although those people may never know it. there are people i think about every day who i haven't spoken to in years. perhaps they wanted me to lose track... i've tried to find a few of them but i've hit dead ends.

if i wanted to find them badly enough, i would.

if they wanted to be found, they'd leave little traces, tiny bread crumbs.

a woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets. sometimes i just like to stir up the muck, once in a while, remembering some of what was. oddly, this helps me move forward (reminding myself of who i am and who i've become so i can have some idea for the next step and where i go). the past repeats itself in the strangest ways, always finding new ways to confuse and complicate.

if i told you the hardest and scariest thing i've ever done-- your respect for me might diminish.

if i told you some of my heart secrets-- you might say i'm stuck in a rut... stuck in the past.

if i told you what i really thought of you-- that first impression-- you might never speak to me again.

(defense mechanisms. i know. i'm proving a point...)

if i told you half the things that buzz around in my head on a daily basis, on an hourly basis-- you would not only lose your grasp of whatever understanding you have of me and something would sweep you away in the deep and turbulent oceans of confusion... but you might also think i'm completely nuts.

so i prefer this-- these tiny spurts of my life, of my self... spilled out, on a humming computer monitor... for me.

not for you.... for me.

yet, here you are.