journal-02/25/01

02/25/01

labyrinth of unbridled thoughts--

i was in the process of writing a few letters (yes, there are people in the world who still write letters, and i'm one of them), and i pulled out a box of stationery that i've had for years... evidently, i've had it for at least 6 years. in the bottom of the shallow box i found an old letter that was meant for my boyfriend at the time. i never sent it to him. i don't know why, but it probably had something to do with me feeling silly for sending him such a silly letter full of sap-- and he couldn't handle much sap at the time... he still can't, as a matter of fact. but that's beside the point.

i read it... twice. recapturing the feelings that were just beginning to unfold in me, beginning to care about someone deeply again... letting him in. and in the letter i proudly announced my complexity (defense mechanism, don't many of us use it?) by saying, "most of the time i'm a labyrinth of unbridled thoughts-- i always used to say my mind goes 90 to nothin'. s'pose that's still true." not very eloquent words.. but i've always loved the way "labyrinth of unbridled thoughts" sounded-- which is why i assigned this little phrase as the title for my webpage.

the letter went on to timidly reveal the modest beginnings of feelings and his pleasant and surprising invasion into the crevices of my mind. the combinations of words forming sentences and thoughts in that letter-- though old, they still have power. i remember feeling that way with him, i remember how refreshed i felt, how refreshing he was.

he turned out to be a terrible boyfriend, but he remains a good friend.

combining this little discovery with what i saw last night... has the little rusty gears churning in my brain. last night i went to see a movie called sweet november-- with keanu reeves and charlize theron. it's a romance... it's very, very sad. the ending isn't what you want. it's blunt and sharp and piercing. the 3 of us were quiet... nobody got up as soon as the credits started rolling, most people just sat in their seats, sunken into the comfortable chairs, trying to hide the sniffles and tears streaming down their warm faces.

the two people i went to see the movie with, both guys, neither gay, both love romantic movies... we were all pretty speechless after the movie was over. it reminded all of us how it feels to be so in love with someone that you know you can't breathe without them. that not knowing where that person is makes you ache... that not being in his arms hurts so deeply inside of you, you're not sure you can wake up in the morning and face the day without him. it reminded me how it feels to need someone so much-- and so unknowingly... it reminded me how alive i feel when i'm in love, how passionate everything in my life becomes, how i transform into a new person when i'm dealt a plate of unyielding joy, when i am handed unconditionally the soul of another person...

a movie that reminded me how lonely the life of a single person can be... is.

but... in a poignant line from another great movie, some kind of wonderful... "i'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones."

yes.