journal-02/11/01

02/11/01

So, it's my sister's 34th birthday today.

And the four-year anniversary of my grandmother's death.

And I'm fine... as the years go by, those two things happening on the same day coincide less and less frequently in my little mind. Separately, it's my sister's birthday, and it's also the anniversary of my grandmother's death.

Separately.

But I'm usually in a weird mood on these anniversary-type things like birthdays, Mother's Day, etc. Maybe I'm unusually snippy or aloof, I want to be alone more often than not.. or else I want someone around me who knows nothing about these things that have happened in my past, so I can forget... just for a little while.

I'm tired of trying to read minds. I'm tired of trying to figure out what's expected of me when I am altogether unsure. I'm tired of trying to fill the mold of someone I am not (separately, I'm trying to figure out what my "mold" should look like... what I want it to look like and if it fits the predisposed one, which is likely does not). I'm tired of guessing games. It all comes from dropping myself back into a life I left behind so many years ago.. but now it's different-- different because I'm a grown woman now... different because it's a different house, in a different neighborhood, and I have a different job, and different people to hang around, and I have a different car, and I'm at a different place in my life journey, and I have different challenges...

I'm better than I was 3 weeks ago, when I first got back... I don't wake up and think downtown Boston is just a train ride away anymore... I don't wake up and think I'm heading back to Boston and that this is just a visit... I wake up and realize that I'm living in Texas... I'm really living here.

Which isn't to say the confusion has completely faded... that would be a lie. But it's dissipating.

In general, I'm glad I'm confident about who I am way under the onion skin layers of my self, because this is a true test to see how well I can adapt, acclimate, and thrive.

Right now, the thing I miss most is the shore of Maine. Ouch...

I think I overexerted a little at the gym today... my shins are sore. Double ouch....

(Yes.. the gym! You read that correctly...)