journal-01/09/01

01/09/01

i'm scared to death. i have only packed 5 boxes. i can't make myself do anymore yet. and i'm leaving sunday.. and i have to take the stuff to the airport to ship. i just don't have the motivation.

i know i'm going to be up all hours on thurs, fri, and sat.. my last day of work is tomorrow.. i just keep making excuses as for why i can't seem to pack... i need to be packing.

i'm sending myself on so many guilt trips. i called the SARK inspiration line last night, for the first time... it inspired me... yes... but it did not motivate me.

i know it has to come from within.

i don't know where to get it.. i don't know how to muster motivation.. i just don't know.

this is a HUGE change in my life.. i am pretty good at adapting.. and i thought i had totally accepted this decision. maybe a part of me is still in denial? i have so many dreams.. living in boston was one of them.. i did it.. now i feel safe moving back home.

it's just difficult.. it's life-changing, this decision.. and while i am very excited.. i just can't seem to rise to the occasion and get my arse in gear at the moment.

i'm hoping tomorrow night will be better, when i know i don't have the pressure of getting up early to go to work the next day.

but i'm sad that tomorrow will be my last day at work, too...

i'm just having to say good-bye to so many people, so many
things..

sometimes, that seems like the story of my life.

i am restless.

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