journal-01/02/01

01/02/01

Outside I'm normal-- I appear tired maybe, but inside I burn. My insides melt together and spew from me with more power than I thought possible. I am surrounded by melted parts-- my soul, my brain, the tiny bones in my feet-- they're all spilt out. I can't put them back in, it's useless to try. I'm sick. My head is going to explode instantaneously, any instant, any nanosecond it's going to blow.

Anxiety overpowers me like never before. Yesterday and today, it made me physically sick. I can't sleep. I only eat when I am ravaged-- and even then, the food tastes strange, not right.

The air is the only thing that soothes me-- this bitter, bone cold winter air is the only thing keeping me alive right now.

I'm not cold like the other pedestrians-- I'm boiling. My blood moves so fast within my veins that it's worked itself into a steady, hard boil. Emanating from my forehead-- all of it. My body aches-- I don't know why. My heart does flips in my ribcage, ending up in my stomach and then on the floor somewhere, out of reach. I can't pick it up and put it back-- it's just there forever, maybe until I can grow a new one.

Grow a new heart? I must be really badly off to be talking like this.

My heart hurts. I have trouble breathing-- I wheeze. My inhalers don't help much. Something is clouding my lungs making it increasingly difficult to breathe. My nose is plugged-- I breathe through my mouth. I am constantly thirsty. My lips are chapped dry and cracking. I constantly apply chapstick, drink buckets of water. Where is the pee? It doesn't come out of my body, it loses itself somewhere-- maybe it's secreted through my toes?

I'm going crazy. Or wild. Am I completely out of my mind to be doing this, to be leaving Boston in less than two weeks and driving halfway (more) across the country? Am I out of my mind?

Alone?

I have never felt so alone in my entire life. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but today, when I want so desperately to cry-- today when I'm going home from work for the day-- I have no one to hold me. I have no one to tell me it's ok-- that I am ok. Only me. I don't even have my kitty to greet me. I only have myself! Alone!

I am scared. I've never been this scared in my entire life. I've never done anything this crazy before, nothing that's so crazy but makes perfect sense. I bought a cell phone. I'm going to buy travel insurance.

Today, a father called. About his son. About the travel insurance that comes with the discount card required for purchasing student tickets through Council Travel. His son, traveling in Morocco... was in a train wreck on November 27th. And he died on December 4th... in Morocco.

I wanted to reach out and hold him, the guy's father.
I wanted to tell him to be sad, for as long as he wants-- that it is ok.
I wanted to tell him that people won't understand.
I wanted to tell him that for a long, long time, he won't understand it either.
I wanted to tell him to allow the emotions out of his system, that that would be what set him free-- don't hold them back. That he is stronger for finding a release for those emotions-- that it's weaker for him to bottle them up inside, although sometimes it's admittedly easier to do just that.
I wanted to hold his hand and blink the tears away from my understanding eyes.
I wanted to tell him that eventually, he was going to be ok.
I wanted to open up to him-- but my mouth froze, these thoughts stumped in my clogged throat.
I stumbled over my tongue and stupid words and said something so completely inadequate-- I don't even remember what I said now.

It doesn't matter.

The poor man forgot me the instant the receiver hit the base of the telephone. The lump in my throat was almost too large to swallow back down. I wanted to cry. I felt suddenly lost. I felt suddenly like I knew nothing.

Nothing at all. And really-- compare me to some people... and they'll forget more than I'll ever know. But that's beside the point.

The point is, I am upset and sad and anxious and nervous and scared and I have constantly felt woozy for the past couple of days-- yesterday I didn't eat a thing and I threw up anyway. I haven't felt this way in years. Not since piano competitions, not since the last time anything really huge was at stake. And right now, I feel almost as if my life is at stake. In a way I suppose it is-- but something awful could happen to me at any moment, so I can't live and think that way, or else I'd be constantly paranoid.

I am disturbed. Atoms clash in my brain at lightning speed-- faster. I can't keep up. Too much thinking and somehow I can't figure out how to perpetuate that thinking into motion. Into action. How do I start packing that first box, how do I make myself. How do I make this happen? I will make it happen-- it's just a matter of time.

I know.

Time is running out. I have to be patient with myself-- all the while I'm secretly wishing there were someone around to give me a swift kick in the ass. Really, there is everything and nothing wrong with me... all at once.

A part of me wants to escape to Maine. A part of me can't wait to be on the road-- singing to myself, talking to myself (I'm an expert), listening to really good music-- and really bad music too. Part of me just wants to forget the whole thing. Part of me knows it's unavoidable. Part of me just wants to be in Texas. Part of me wants to be in London-- Paris-- Sydney-- Auckland-- Tokyo-- anywhere but HERE.

But mostly, I know deep down that this is a process that just has to happen. I know. I get it. But that doesn't mean I entirely like it. That doesn't mean that my fifth day driving isn't going to totally suck. It might not-- but it very well might. But one thing is for sure-- I'm going to be there, with myself, every step of the way. Yay.

Bare with me... in my moments of craziness. Bare with me in my shallow moments, in the deep impenetrable thoughtful moments, in the outrageously emotional moments, in the joyful exciting moments, in the boring sleepy moments... please just bare with me. In all of these moments I'm going to experience in the next month, please bare with me. I need help but I don't know what kind.

I need peace but that's coming later, after I'm settled in my parents' house. I need relaxation-- how? I'm wound up tighter than.. (insert colorful analogy here). I hurt inside but I don't know how to fix it. I have so much anxiety and I don't know what brought it on or how to make it go away. I'm tired but I can't fall asleep until I'm on the brink of exhaustion. I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm afraid I'm going to do something to really screw it up or get killed (or both).

*sigh* I must also be human...