journal-01/01/01

01/01/01

i got to thinking about how i've changed over the years. and i got to thinking about how i changed especially this year. my attitude has changed... i have changed my attitude so much! and it's wonderful!

no longer is it "poor me, i've had such a horrible year" (because frankly, the past few years have been pretty difficult, this one included, and it's been easy to feel sorry for myself). this year especially, something caused the gears in me to turn positive instead of victimizing myself and wondering if my life will ever get better... there's something inside of me that has just decided to make it better.

it's not even anything conscious that i did. it's been in the last half of this year, i can tell you that. it probably has to do some with SARK, but i think more than anything else, it's been a change of some sort from deep within me.

yes, a lot of crazy shit has happened to me this year! believe it! and last year... i don't even want to go there. but i've done so so much growing that i really wouldn't change a thing!

it's like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. i worry less. i've been reading more. i've been doing the things that i truly enjoy more often instead of putting myself off to do things society accepts.

like yesterday, for example. when my flight was cancelled and i found out i wasn't going anywhere until today, i thought "well i'm already up and dressed. i should get out and do some shopping, see what bargains i can find." now, i do love to shop..... but there was just some little voice inside of me that said "take some time for yourself. take a nap." so i did just that. and i felt so refreshed afterwards!

listening to my inner voice has been high on the priority list this year. it is every year, but this year especially. and that has definitely been good for me.

i'm generally happier, more confident, stronger, holding my head up higher, smiling more, believing in myself more. more than i ever have at any other time in my life. and my god... it feels so good.

believe in yourself.... i don't know how you go about doing that if you don't already have the spark there. for me... it was just a subconscious change that i didn't even realize was happening until after it was happening. i just started devoting more time to myself. i just started closing the door, lighting candles, coloring in my journal with big fat "bold" crayola markers while lying in bed, taking intermittent naps... not caring what anybody else said about it.

it feels so good... i feel so good when i do stuff like that.. just letting the creativity flow wherever it may.

you do enough... you are enough... you are you, and you are beautiful...

happy 2001...

(in the meantime, this journal continues to be a place of growth for me. not everything posted here is happy, not everything is depressing-- some of it is somewhere in-between... but admittedly, it's usually the headlines-- great and horrible. sometimes it's a grand purge of thoughts and feelings from a day in the world, in my world... i make no excuses. that purging helps me heal... that purging helps me figure out where i need to go next, what action to take, and it helps me to reflect, figure out what i'm feeling/thinking. i'm not depressed, although sometimes i feel depressed. i'm not an optimist, either-- i'm an idealist. i'm realistic but i give the benefit of the doubt for many situations, and i have hope. this journal helps me grow... and i certainly like who i've grown into being... and who i continue to grow into. i hope you'll stick around, because i'm certainly going to...)