journal-11/19/00

11/19/00

it's cold.

i'm going to texas in two days.

i smell fireplaces outside.

the word "friend" is confusing to me right now, that word seems to put certain limitations on a relationship one can have with another human.

limitations? expectations? demands?

none of the above?

i don't know.

i still hurt in so many ways... i wonder if i'll ever heal. i cry, i write, i color, i listen to one song over and over again hoping it'll draw out the pain... and still-- it's here. unwelcome though it is, it's a part of me.

i wonder if i've somehow brought on pain... invited it, even.

tonight i feel hollow. i feel like someone has just scooped out the inside of me, like a big bowl of ice cream-- but it's melted because someone suddenly lost interest in eating it, and it's been thrown away.

at the moment, i've lost interest in my bowl of insides, too... there's just too much resonance there-- it'd be like biting into a migraine headache... too much that's been on my mind this weekend pertaining to my past. i haven't been thinking about the future this weekend... i haven't been thinking about my next career move... i haven't been thinking about the current succulent souls in my life... i've only been thinking about my past and how some things still haunt me so much i wonder if i'll ever work through it.

i crave honesty in my life, and i crave honesty from the people in my life. i'm a poor liar, so i guess that's a good thing.

i don't like when i have to beg someone to be honest.

i don't like when i don't like the way i'm behaving, yet i'm powerless to stop it. it's like i'm watching myself through a window, or on a movie screen... i'm just here, observing the slow motion screw-ups. and there are so many.

maybe i just need to get back into my skin again... maybe i just need to learn how to be my own best friend again. i was so secure, so strong, only a couple of weeks ago... and then these things happen that just throw me for a loop and suddenly my feet are out from under me again. i don't feel strong today. i feel weak and childish.

i think i need to disappear. i've seriously considered doing that... several times. just disappearing and starting a new life somewhere else, where nobody knows me.

i've sort of already done that twice-- when i went to school at vanderbilt, and when i moved to massachusetts from philly (i knew lots of people in philly, so it doesn't count).

i must re-evaluate... i have to decide where i want to go next in my life-- if i want to get incredibly aggressive about getting a teaching job... if i want to get aggressive about finding another job... if i want to go ahead and try transferring departments to be working in the retail shop in cambridge, knowing full well that i may not be in boston much longer? i have no idea. i feel so lost right now... i don't have any direction.

but i think i always feel this way this time of year... it coincides with being homesick.

i feel like the older i get and the more new things i try, the less direction i have. i want to do so much with my life, i want to go so many places, i want to travel to exotic (and not exotic) destinations.. i want i want i want. i want so much...

i want to find my soulmate. where are you? are you under my nose? (more importantly, i want to be ready when my soulmate happens into my life)

i want to play the piano.

which reminds me... i did get a call last week from someone at a company i sent my resume to... they're sending me an application... the job? piano teacher in the boston area. and the pay is about twice what i'm making now... which doesn't say much... yet, it says a lot.

i want to be on the new york times best seller list. (i have started my novel)

i want to go to grad school.

i want to help people.

i want to teach.

i want to travel the world.

i want to go on a cruise.

i want to have children.

i could go on forever... listing the things i want. maybe i should do just that... make a list of the things i want in my life. this is a good start.