journal-11/17/00

11/17/00

i had this epiphany today.

i came up from the bowels of the subway underground on the long escalator at park street. i was listening to moby, a song called 'everloving' on his newest cd, it's track 14. it's an amazing song. this song is what captivated me and completely drew me into the album.

i can listen to this song on repeat and never tire of it. each time i feel and hear a new meaning.

and there are no words.

an old native humming a sad and nervous song, lonely acoustic guitar chords strumming under him, the slow building of the song with added piano, synthesized drum beat, an acoustic guitar on mic, a soaring flute-like countermelody leading into the very complex climax of the song-- to tell the truth, the form of this song reminds me of chopin's piano compositions.

maybe that's why i love the song so much. who knows-- but there's something in the music that reaches deep inside of me and pulls out my innards, exposing them to the world. or my world...

but back to my epiphany...

as i came up the escalator from the subway (which is two stories underneath) i was listening to this song as loud as i could on my cd player.

it wasn't loud enough, of course...

i rounded the corner and looked at the world around me-- and suddenly, tears came to my eyes, and i had a very difficult time holding them back. i stopped in mid-stride and just stared at downtown boston-- through the trees, with wind blowing fallen leaves in tiny whirlwinds all around pedestrians and lagging tourists. i felt like the world was suddenly completely oblivious to me and i was moving in slow motion. i just stood there, for i don't know how long... trying to hold back the tears, staring at downtown.

a very simple and altogether complex thought overpowered my mind:

as much as i love you, boston, i must go.

it's not my home. it never will be.

with this thought controlling my mind, i crossed the street into boston common. i walked slowly along the sidewalk, passing a homeless man who-- seeing my face, didn't ask me for change... the tears were almost uncontrollable.. i reached a vacant spot on an area of grass and plopped down just in time for huge salty drops to escape from my eyes.

i sat there, letting the tears fall into the damp ground, listening to this song over and over again, letting the sun warm my core and the breeze cool my skin. i stared out at the people walking by, at the leaves restlessly forced by changing breezes to tumble this way and that with only momentary rest. i saw the sun hiding behind a downtown building, i looked all around me at the architecture-- as if trying to memorize it, imprint it in my brain forever.

i could have sat there longer... but not forever.

i don't know where i go next. maine tugs at my heartstrings. but i've also been desperately missing nashville. texas is a logical choice-- especially considering how homesick i've been.

but right now, i just don't know. i'm going to do some investigating... if i could get a good job in either maine (anywhere along the coast, so i could be on the beach daily) or in nashville-- i'd jump on either adventure.

in between that time, from boston to new place... texas might be the logical filler. chance to see my family, save some cash, get back on my feet financially.

have i ever been financially on my feet?

i don't think so, now that i think of it.

so many thoughts swirling in my head...