journal-11/01/00

11/01/00

why does it still hurt so much sometimes?

i've just been reading through some old journal entries on the computer (*real* journal entries... not stuff that's made it to my webpage) from 1997... right after my grandmother died. 1997 was the worst year of my life. everything was uprooted. all that i had known was suddenly taken away from me.

for the first time since high school, i desired someone i couldn't have. bigtime crush. stupid crush. randy randy randy... i wonder where he is now...

i have these discombobulated and random memories typed intermittently, interspersed within my journal entries describing a weekend, something that happened with my roommates-- they come from nowhere, the memories. and they still haunt me...

we moved out of the house i grew up in, the house my family had lived and breathed in since 1958.

i took 5 years to graduate. all of the friends i had started with freshman year graduated in spring of 1997, which is when i was supposed to graduate.

fall of 1997 was the worst, though, because i had repressed so much of the pain from losing my grandmother and that's when it started to come back and bite me in the ass three times over... i had 18 hours, 2 part time jobs, and i was on 4 executive boards. i basically never slept. i buried myself in school, work, and extracurricular activities, hoping to forget how depressed i was. i was nervous about graduation. i missed the friends i'd worked so hard for freshman year-- they were scatted across the country. i resented the fact that i had to make new friends during my last year of college. i was just generally upset and very unhappy.

but it's so amazing... how much the pain dulls with time. from college, i only choose to retain the fond memories and i discard the others. the things that impact me are all that matters. and i learned so much about myself in the process. i really can't complain. but... in 1997, i was in a lot of pain all the time, and i didn't cry out-- i kept it all penned up inside of me.

*sigh*

and then tonight... i'm reading some of these memories about my grandmother, about drunk weekends in college, and i'm laughing through my tears. i'm laughing at how the entries read now, i'm recalling those memories vividly in my mind, remembering the craziness of my life then.

i don't think my life is any less crazy, it's just crazy in different ways now. and i'm better equipped. i'm smarter, i'm older (wiser?), i've been through more, i'm stronger. i can do more than i ever thought i'd be doing at age 25.

i'm doing ok for myself. i keep my sense of humor. i'm thankful for the absolutely wonderful people i have in my life... these people keep me going when nothing else seems worth it. i think before, i have stupidly turned completely inward and shut out people when i needed-- and then wondered why nobody would help me... wondered why nobody was there to listen (the word "blockhead" comes to mind here...). and i'm more comfortable with myself and with being myself now than i've ever been-- so the people who are drawn to me are here in my life because they see something that they genuinely like about me... they're here because they want to be around me. and that, of course, feels good.

i'm getting better about asking for help when i need it. i am surrounded by people who care about me, just for being me. and i'm surrounded by people who-- when least expected, will step forward and reach out to me. i am truly blessed. i am so grateful for these fabulous people who have helped me ... these people help me every day, whether they know it or not......... nordine, godwin, brian, heidi, karen, my mysterious succulent friends on the sark message board, bill, sangeeta, my parents, my grandmother, so many more...

mur-mur... my dear grandmother... bessie pauline johnson freeman, you give me strength. when i think i can't go on, you're suddenly by my side, smiling, placing your delicate hand on my shoulder, your baby blue eyes assuring me it's going to work out.

(who are you grateful for?)