journal-10/22/00

10/22/00

i don't know how i'm making it through these days.... but i am.

i'm incredibly stressed out. i'm waiting for the outcome if this job opportunity, and on friday i was beside myself-- i was literally a basket case all day, checking my messages about every hour, "just in case" they had called.

they didn't call.

so... tomorrow is another day. and they did say that i if i hadn't heard from them by monday afternoon to give them a call. so you'd better believe that if 4pm rolls around and i haven't heard anything, they're getting a ring ring ring from me.

i want it... the more i think about this teaching position, the more right it seems for me. the more perfect i would fit into the picture of the school, how my skills and talents would grow there and help the school grow too.

grrrr!

i was stranded at the house today, except for one necessary trip to the grocery store to get me prepared for the week. my car has been acting really weird... i got some advice about it today and i'm taking it first thing in the morning to have the oil changed and to have a few things looked at. hopefully... it's nothing big... hopefully it's something simple that is simple and inexpensive to fix.

hopefully.

because right now... money is not something i've got.

surprise surprise.

but anyway. i decided to spoil myself a little bit at the grocery store (the less money i have, the more i spend. makes sense, right?). i got some of my favorite things-- good salad makings, sandwich makings (my 2 favorite things to take to work for lunches/dinners). i got romaine lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, mushrooms, bell peppers, salad dressing, lunch meat, cereal... i just felt the need to pick up some of the slightly more expensive things, because this week at work is going to be rough. it's going to suck... but at least i know that ahead of time, so i'm prepared.

see, we're having this big sale... so we're going to be open 24 hours starting tues. at 9am and ending friday at midnight. we're required to work at least 10 hours of overtime during the week. so, tuesday through friday i'm working 10am-10pm.

ick.

and i'm going to try and work saturday too, because if i end up with 20 overtime hours, then i get a free international round trip plane ticket to any of the 16 european destinations that are part of the sale. well, the london ticket is free, if i want to go anywhere else then it'd be some ridiculously cheap price.

and i could use that $ too from all that overtime. but i have to keep my health in mind. i've just come off of being sick for 2 weeks. this week had its ups and downs (and i worked 6 days this week, too). so i don't want to push it all the way to the edge and end up sick again... that would be baaaad.

so.. i made 3 salads, 2 red beans/rice dishes, 1 pasta dish, and then... i made fudge. i haven't made fudge in so long... and i find it therapeutic.

actually, this whole day has been therapeutic.

sometimes, when i'm really stressed-- pushed-to-the-edge-stressed, if i keep really, really busy, it helps. i'm actually happier because while i'm waiting for the outcome of one thing, i'm getting a million other things accomplished. this could be how i got through college-- i was always doing so much and i loved every minute of it. i was also pretty stressed out all the time... but i had a "work hard play hard" attitude. anyway...

other times, i just sleep all day... but that wasn't going to work today.

i did 6 loads of laundry (keep in mind, i hadn't done laundry since before i got sick, which is over 3 weeks ago now), made some small gifts for a couple of people, went grocery shopping, made all that food for the week, made the fudge, cleaned the kitchen, caught up with a couple of friends i hadn't talked to on the phone in a while, talked to my mom (mostly to reconfirm the correct fudge ingredients, because i couldn't remember the exact measurements and didn't happen to have the recipe handy)... i got a lot accomplished today. which felt good... and it kept me plenty distracted, so i didn't dwell on the job situation, or the roommate situation (which is also still pending, but it's looking up a little bit now).

now, i'm still so wired that i don't even want to go to bed. i'm afraid i won't be able to sleep. i'm afraid of what the mechanic is going to say tomorrow when they take a look at my car. i'm afraid i'm not going to get the job. i'm afraid the roommate situation isn't going to work out. i'm afraid of a lot....

but, i know i'll be ok, whatever happens.

and in the meantime, i've got good food to savor, i've got plenty of clean clothes, i've got a clean kitchen, i managed to not get boiling sugar (pre-fudge) on my fingers and toes when it sloshed out of the pot on the hot stove (whew! i laughed out loud in thanks when i realized that stuff could've easily landed on my tender little skin!)... i've got a kick-ass cat who brings joy and laughter to my life every day, i'm happy to be single and learning how to be good friends with a man again without expecting or wanting anything more...

i'm a pretty lucky girl, all in all...