I'm worried and I'm sick of worrying. All I can think about is the two things
that are hanging over my head... one which I do have some control over (a
pending roommate situation, which I'm frankly tired of thinking about right
now), the other which I have no control over. The thing I obviously have no control
over-- the job. I want it. I can taste it. It's "the perfect fit" and I started realizing that after I was already in the interview. No weekend
requirements unless they're in dire emergency. No coaching! One English class
(great chance to get my feet wet in the classroom without being overwhelmed), and working with small groups, which is something I'm already an expert with...
assessing the group's needs on an individual basis so I can better help them succeed, both together and individually. I don't mind moving around from class
to class, so long as I have a "home base" office, which the dean confirmed when we spoke on the phone the other day that there was a smallish desk area/office
for the teacher to use.
There's just nothing I can do but wait. And wait... The soonest I would have heard something was today... and of course I heard nothing. So now it's either
going to be Monday, Tuesday... or later. I'm betting that by Monday/Tues they will have made a decision. They did say that if I hadn't heard anything by
Monday to give them a call. You better believe I'm going to...
I hope they make the right decision... I hope the "right decision" is me. How badly do I need this job? For my succulence, for my sanity, for my being... for
me. I want it for me, because I know I can succeed as a teacher and I'm so ready to dive in. I know I will be a good teacher. I know I am a good
teacher... I always have been. I've just taken a really roundabout way of getting to the appropriate job title of "teacher." I'm tired of being
roundabout about this... I'm ready to be there. Now.
My duty is to help people (and to help myself and have myself helped by others in the process). I have every confidence that the way I am meant to do this is
through teaching and writing. I have an affinity for kids-- all ages really...and kids have an affinity for me. I'm on the fence about teaching
middle school or high school... I've always expected that I might like high school better, but I don't know because middle schoolers are so surprising in
what they can do, what they can already understand and grasp. Middle schoolers are such a special age-- still tender in so many ways, but struggling for that
powerful and significantly important autonomy. Middle schoolers are still impressionable, whereas high schoolers pretty much have their attitudes set.
I'm thinking I'd be better suited for middle school in those ways-- where I can really make a difference in those lives of children who are the least bit open
to it. Good kids who need good guidance and humor and understanding and firm
ground rules, discipline, and a place for that very very important and valuable creativity to grow.
My writing would improve. Just being back in an academic situation-- no matter the level, will help my writing. I thrive in academic settings, where writing
is concerned. Some of the best writing I've ever done was while I was in college, surrounded by academia. People around me who are learning and who are
willing to learn inspire me, give me fuel and drive to continue on with my writing, to expand and dig deeply into my brain, extending my long arms out into
the deep nothingness of space in the deep dark corners of my little world and pull something beautiful and concrete out of those spaces-- a star shines in my
soul, a fire warms my heart, when I can be around learning, discussing, open people who allow each other to touch and be touched by another's life, mind,
heart, spirit, soul, thoughts, feelings.
They want to expand the very small music program. This would be the **prime** opportunity for me to get back into playing the piano... an excuse. An outlet,
access to a piano (no matter how crappy it is, or how badly it needs tuning or new pads or tightening or loosening, I know I can make it sing with the feelings
and emotions that live so deeply within me that just can't be expressed any other way)... access to emotions that have been locked away inside of me since I
quit playing years ago. This is another opportunity for music to take hold of me again in the forefront of my life. Maybe not immediately, but by helping
others get into music and realize their musical abilities and by teaching music lessons-- whether it's choir, piano, or whatever... it's a channel for me. A
channel that I have suppressed over the past several years... a channel that I so desperately need to re-tune to... I have so much music to explore, and having
kids there to do it with me will be a learning experience for me, and for them... To teach is to learn twice over.. how true..
And I think I painted a pretty good picture of myself. I didn't put on any airs
in the interview, I didn't say anything I didn't honestly mean, I was just me.
I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that I could do very well in this position.
It's just a matter of the administrators of the school seeing it this way too...
And so, this is out of my control.
And this frustrates the hell out of me...
I want to succeed, and to me succeeding means several things. It means getting into the teaching world-- and this would be a great, wonderful step for me to
get into this job... to finally fall into the career I've wanted so badly and felt so deep within me for so many years... I want it. I need it. I am a
teacher... I am a learner... I am a writer... I am me.