journal-10/12/00

10/12/00

After being sick for 10 days, I went to the doctor for the second time. Last week the doc told me that I had bronchitis, an upper respiratory infection, and ear infection. I was home from work for 2 days last week, and I only went to work 1 day this week (thus, I'm out of sick time, and completely more than broke). It's one of those situations where I knew that if I kept going to work, I'd just continue to be sick. I need to have the time off to relax so I can get well.

But I kept wondering why I wasn't getting better.. so in my follow up appointment today... I found out that I have chronic asthma, and it's just been waiting for something like bronchitis to really trigger it.

I'm not surprised-- I've always known I had asthma.. I wrote something when I was a little girl about a dragon breathing fire inside my chest and the pain and difficulty of breathing after I run.

I'd just never been diagnosed.

Now I have these pills to take, and 2 inhalers, and I just don't know how I feel about the whole thing. I guess I'm just frustrated and maybe a little sad-- you'd feel the same way if you were coughing for a week straight, unable to get rest because anytime you came close to lying down horizontally in bed you'd start to cough, waking up at 5am in a fit of coughing and sneezing and then not being able to breathe... I broke down in tears yesterday three times (once in my boss's office, once on the phone with my dad, and once while brushing my teeth last night) just because I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of not being able to rest.

I guess I'm just in denial right now, or something. I mean.. I don't want this diagnosis! I know that now I'll be able to treat it better, and it's good to have the knowledge and all... but I'm still frustrated, upset.

I'm still me...

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