journal-09/03/00

09/03/00

(it's just me, beating my head against the wall)

there are certain things i always tell myself i'm never going to do again--

certain mistakes i'll never repeat,
certain ways in which i'll never allow myself to be hurt again--
knowing that it's entirely painful to open myself up to someone so completely that he can read me like a book-- read between my lines, fill in the spaces.

there are certain things that no one will ever understand about me.
certain things that i'll never see or understand about myself.

but i continually promise myself that i will not give in again, that i won't let it happen this time, that i won't feel that pain again because i won't get emotionally involved-- or, because it will be right... so-- right.

how do i heal?

how do i heal when right now all i feel is such intense pain that i don't even see light at the end of this vast labyrinth - maze - tunnel?

when does it get better?

how does it go away?

when does my wound stop bleeding?

rhetorical questions. i know it will get better... i know it's about time.

right now, that's not helping me. answers don't help me. nothing helps me...

fact of the matter is, i allowed myself to love again, and now i am hurting.

again.

and this is my pathetic cycle. i hesitate-- then, i become emotionally attached, i surrender, i give in, something inside of me decides it's ok to care about a man deeply again, and i do, and i lose. i ache. my head splits wide open in literal pain, my heart bleeds a slow death.

on the outside i appear strong-- smiling, standing up straight, laughing, flirting.

inside--

inside, i am a broken little girl whose hopes have been dashed.

eventually, i'll emerge stronger. more willing to walk right back into love than ever before.

but not now.

now, i feel something familiar, something eating me from the inside out, gnawing away on all the juicy innards of my soul so that all that's left is the empty shell, a shadow of who i used to be. the real me is hiding somewhere-- and it's up to me to find... me.

again.

(but tonight the only thing that's right is for me to lie on my bed listening to tori's version of "losing my religion" on repeat, pondering the words, feeling the music seeping through my skin into my blood running thick and hot, crying crocodile tears, feeling sorry for myself...

which is perfectly all right, because i'm a woman, an emotional woman, and a goddamned strong one at that-- which doesn't mean i don't have my moments...)