journal-04/07/00

04/07/00

It's been more than three weeks since I've posted. I've been around, but I haven't really been here. Does that make any sense?

It's 10:30pm on a Friday night, and I'm at home. I had several opportunities to go out tonight, and even one opportunity to make some money (legally!). But I knew I needed a day to do Linda things and to take care of Linda business.

Or, just a day to sleep as late as I wanted, be lazy, get laundry done, and play on the internet and watch tv all day-- which is what I actually did.

Tomorrow will be more productive...

I hope.

No, really... it will.

It's time to conduct a new job search (which I've already officially started-- and thank god it's a small world). I thought I could hold out at my current job until I get my teaching certification, but it doesn't look like that's going to be the case. I swear I don't know how so many people make it through their entire lives being unhappy in their job. How do they get out of bed in the morning? Here I've only been unhappy for a couple of months, and I'm going nuts. I can't imagine how batty I'd be if I tried sticking with something that made me unhappy for years! Maybe that explains all the crazy city drivers? People who are unhappy with their jobs take out their frustration on family, friends, children, and oh yeah-- random normal drivers on the road! Hmm...

Otherwise, things are going quite well. I finally bought a bed a couple of weeks ago-- that's right! No more sleeping on the floor, getting backaches and then sleeping on the couch only to wake up so stiff from sleeping in one position all night I couldn't move the next day... I have my own real, full-sized bed. I'm very happy about that, let me tell you!

Then I think of all these people who go into the Peace Corps and whatever, who sleep in huts on grass beds... and they do this for years?! I could never do it. Nope... I need my bed, with my nice soft T-shirt material sheets, cozy comforter with my kitty at my feet. That's what I need. Oh yeah, I have that.

I also had to get a couple of new tires for my car. These big purchases I've been having to make have, of course, caused my other bill-type things to suffer. Tough! Haha... These days I refuse to worry about the money I don't have. I just do what I can and the rest has to wait. You know?

I've also been looking into joining a gym. It's time for me to get in shape! I'm getting older and wiser, and I realize that I did enjoy being in shape when I was in high school, but I'd like to test myself to see if I have the motivation to get myself back into shape and keep myself there. Unfortunately, the gyms around me all charge about $40 a month for membership. How ridiculous is that? Even at places like Bally you can get a deal for $19 a month... so I'm obviously going to have to get a little more aggressive about it and find myself a good deal at a gym that's not too far from here. I definitely need someplace close to home, or else I'll never go. I know myself that well, at least... but what makes me sick is that I had access to this great Rec center while I was in college, and they took fees out of my tuition for me to use this place (I didn't have a choice about that) and I can think of less than 10 times in the entire five years that I was there that I actually utilized it. Hmph!

But, as Richard Fish says... "Bygones!"

So that's my life in a nutshell, lately. No man in my life, and that's fine. I think that's actually for the best until I get my job situation in order. One thing at a time, you know? My parents are finally getting a computer. Don't know when-- sometime soon... but they're getting one. Finally getting with the times! Geesh...

(Hey wait, that means they could eventually see this site! Um... not sure I'm ready for that)

But, I like having several balls in the air at one time, so who knows...

Speaking of balls in the air, one that's fallen onto the floor and under a distant hidden doorway into a corner is my writing. I haven't been writing lately. What's worse is that I also haven't been actively trying to get published. This is a goal I have for myself this year, to be published in a magazine... but hell-- it ain't gonna happen if I don't make it happen. It's something I need to make time for. I think a part of me is scared. I still have the fear of rejection, which I think everyone has, to one degree or another. I keep thinking, "Maybe I'm really not good enough." All that I have to go by is what I see already published-- and my poetry just pales in comparisson-- or so I think. I can't be objective about my writing, which is why I so openly welcome critique. Constructive criticism. Don't just dog on my poetry because you've got nothing better to do... you'd better have logical, real reasons for it. Anything that can make me a better writer is what I am open to...

As you can see, I'm in ramble mode tonight. Perhaps I should keep on rambling...

Ramble on--