journal-02/16/00

02/16/00

Here I sit in my new apartment. Or should I say, here I lie. I don't have a desk so I'm just lying on the floor (on my "bed" made of a foam pad and my sleeping bag and a few other blankets) typing this. I really don't mind though. I'll eventually get a bed and maybe I'll get a desk at some point. It's no big deal.

The big deal is, I'm happier here than I ever was at my previous place. I can already easily call this "home" without hesitation. I'm more at home here than I ever was living in that house with the weird nosey man.

I have so much I need to do but tonight I don't feel like doing anything except writing or talking to a friend or two. So for now I'll just write... and see what happens later.

Chances are, I'll go to bed early.

Isn't it funny how someone appears from your past and you thought you'd never speak to them again-- not necessarily because you were angry or bitter but just because you figured your paths probably wouldn't cross again? And then you suddenly run into that person... and end up having things explained to you, and you do some explaining yourself, that maybe wasn't necessary but it makes you feel better all the same?

(Does what I just typed make any sense whatsoever?)

That's what happened to me last night. I was about to log offline and then I get this "hello..." which started an hour and 1/2 long conversation, in which a lot of my pending questions were answered. It was something like closure but it was also a new beginning.

I know this person is going to read this. And I'm glad. =)

And then there are the mysteries that still lie in the depths of me, created by people who have come and gone through my life with little or no explanation, denying me of one of the many things I crave: closure. So many questions remain, so many mysteries... but one less exists in my little brain now.

And you know, what's the point for all this mystery anyway? Why not just be open and upfront, and let a friend (acquaintance, lover, family member) know what your intentions are, and be honest, and just be yourself? Why do we as humans find that so incredibly impossible to do? This is something I find difficult to comprehend. Most who know me see that I am emotional, that I often speak my mind, and I often voice when I disapprove of something that's going on that shouldn't be (I have work in mind right now), just as I often voice when I'm ecstatic about something else. I complain and vent and I cheer for people when they need it. What's so horrible about that? In so many ways, I'm not a mysterious person at all.

Yet there's this part of me that I don't want anyone to know about. Because I'm afraid that the majority of people won't accept things about me-- which I'm probably right about, but still... why can't we just accept each other for being the quirky, irreverent, beautiful human beings that we are?

Acceptance-- this is one thing I'm very good at. I admit-- not that I'm bragging, but I'm proud of the fact that I'm very accepting of people's actions, intent, words, pasts, desires, dreams... I enjoy learning about individuals. I enjoy figuring people out.

Perhaps I should have been a psychologist...

I find that as a teacher, I often learn just as much or even more than I teach. I've learned so much about children, teenagers, since starting this job.

I've also learned that there will be high-schoolish cliques in the workplace forever. It's exasperating but it's inevitable. And I've realized that a good leader is also good at managing people. And a poor leader is very, very bad at managing people.

I've learned that some people just have no people skills.

I've learned that no matter what kind of pressure your supervisors are putting on you at work, it only gets to you if you care about what you're doing.

Or if you're paranoid.

Or a little of both.

But if you're just a slacker or you've lost interest in your job, then a manager can gripe to you all he wants but you're still not going to care, and you're not going to get off your butt and do the work you're supposed to be doing.

I've learned that sometimes you have to be [able to place yourself] outside of a situation to be able to see what's really going on.

I've learned a great deal of patience with this job. And I thought I had a lot of patience before I started!

There are more things I've learned, but for now I'm finished with my "I've learned" tangent... So good night for now...

(Oh! And I've learned what the word "bollocks" means!)