journal-02/07/00

02/07/00

It's Monday but I don't mind.

Something happened at work this morning that was sort of a rude awakening. All I'll say about it is, "You can never be too aware." I've been dwelling on the event all day, so I really don't feel like discussing it here.

I still wonder at times, like today, if I am good at my job. I think I am and then I see people who do it so much better than I do.. they have an unsinkable attitude and nobody ever sees them down.

Me, I guess I'm just too emotional for that. What I'm feeling most definitely affects the way I act, the way I present myself. Sometimes the kids can feel that and they work very well with me and I end up feeling a lot better-- like they've helped me when I didn't ask for it, when I didn't even know I needed help.

And then of course there are the times when my students sense that there's something wrong with me, I'm "off" or whatever and they completely take advantage and act like complete tools.

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going in my work is my students.

I'm getting restless and I'm glad I'm moving. It will keep me busy for the next few weeks until I can figure out what my next move is, career-wise.

I think my problem is too much freedom (?). There's just so much that I want to do, and I can't decide what to do next. I'm planning on trying for several things and seeing which one ends up working out. Wow, I guess I really do just sort of go with the flow. I mean, I have these big goals that I want to achieve in my lifetime, but I don't have a time frame, and I really don't want to have a time frame, either. I'm going to do my best and try the things I want to try, and see what happens. Life builds on itself... and I've got so much building to do. At least I have a strong foundation, so I know it will be very hard for me to go wrong.

I'm ready for my new beginning, and moving to a new place is the start of that process. Maybe a few months from now (but definitely within this year) I'll be starting a new job?

What an amazing time it is to be in my 20s, and single, and just getting started in my life, my career. It's an exciting time, often a dangerous time, but exciting all the same. There's so much I want to seize, but really all I can seize is the next moment...