journal-02/04/00

02/04/00

I'm fed up. I'm sick of games, I'm sick of trying to do something nice for someone and then they stab me in the back, I'm sick of just trying to be honest with people and being crucified for my honesty. I'm sick of always giving pieces of myself to others and getting nothing in return, or getting a big shit-eating grin and a giggle.

I'm sick of people taking advantage of me, I'm sick of allowing myself to be taken advantage of, not because I am a "pushover" but because I continually have hope in people, I continually have faith that if I keep giving of myself that I will get something in return.

Right now all I'm getting is that I can't trust anyone, and sometimes I can't even trust myself.

I'm sick of dealing with men who claim to be honest and straightforward, and then they turn out to be anything but what they said. I'm sick of continuing to listen, continuing to give, even though there's a voice inside of me that tells me it isn't right, that I'm going to be hurt or somehow compromised.

I'm sick of doing the best that I can do and still not being recognized for it. I'm sick of this gloomy weather.

Give me sunshine.

I'm angry, I'm pissy, I'm tired, I don't want to pack to move. In one week I won't even have a bed to sleep on. It'll be me and the hardwood floor...

Someone said that you only get angry at things or people that you care about-- and the anger is just another way of expressing the fact that you've been hurt.

So, I've been hurt.

The thing is, I'm always willing to get back up on my feet and try walking again. Stubbornness.. No matter how many times I fall flat on my face. I get a few more scars every time, but I learn too. And the lessons aren't negative, as this journal entry might suggest. They're always good. The past few days I just happen to be in a mood, and I keep finding out things that people have done to hurt me or otherwise disrespect me and it just pisses me off. I don't deserve it.

It's not the end of the world, or my world, or whatever... I'm just in a bad mood.

Oh yeah-- and I don't like not receiving any kind of apology or other recognition or admittance of wrongdoing towards me. And of course-- I've not received any apologies.

The way I see it-- I do the best I can and although what I do isn't always the best thing, it's usually the right thing, at least in the long-run. I follow my instincts, my hunch, my intuition, or whatever you want to call it. Simple as that. There's no manual for how to live life, and I think so far I've done a pretty damned good job of it, especially considering where I've come from. I've come a very long way.

And I'm just gonna keep on keepin' on...