journal-2000

This year was... a year of years. At the beginning of this year I was still living in Grafton, in the middle of nowhere-- literally. Boston seemed so far away. My work, while it had gotten somewhat back to normal, wasn't normal. I was under great stress and I hadn't yet admitted (to myself or anyone else) that I needed to leave.

In February, I moved to Brockton-- a fresh start. My roommate wasn't really a roommate, because he was never there. I pretty much had the apartment to myself which I greatly enjoyed. It gave me some time to do some thinking, which I needed and relished. And although I had a much longer drive to work-- I didn't mind it at first, only because I knew I could come home to my haven, which was my apartment.

Personally I started dating someone with great potential... but work-wise, life was falling apart. As soon as I realized and admitted that I needed to leave-- I turned around and found a new job at Council Travel... told them I was leaving and then faced prejudice. Prejudice from co-workers, from supervisors, all who thought I was incompetent because I was leaving the field of severe special needs children. To my face, they acknowledge that I had to do what I had to do... but I knew that behind my back that's not what they were saying. My credibility was taken away, responsibilities were taken away, respect lost-- all because I made the personal decision to leave before my contract was over (which is very common at this school and in this field in general). My last days there, I'd like to forget. I left on a negative note, to say the least.

Then, I took a break to spend some time with my family in Texas before starting my new job. I realized that I wasn't too ready to come back to Massachusetts... but that hardly fazed me as I started a new and completely different type of job. It was refreshing, and I realized what I had been missing when I was teaching at that school... going to the bathroom when I needed to, organized breaks (instead of *maybe* getting an hour, and even then, that wasn't a break-- you were supposed to work on your lunch break). I had missed little things like that... things that seem like they should be required in any workplace.

I really don't mind the job I'm doing now. Some days it's mundane but some days it's a lot of fun. And a lot of that has to do with attitude. My attitude has gone through a major overhaul this year... and it's probably got a lot to do with the personal pain I was going through, with dealing with the lies (yes, more lies) dealt to me by the man I was dating, and being drawn into his complicated situation and faced with the decisions I had to make concerning that. I'm being vague here I know... but it's not something I want to share here.

After making myself decidedly single again... I started to enjoy myself more. The last half of this year has been really good for me in the sense that I've really gotten to know myself very well again, better than I've ever known myself. I'm more confident than I've ever been, and I'm happier than I've ever been. And for now, I'm quite happy being single. As they say in that movie Some Kind of Wonderful, "I'd rather be single for the right reasons that with someone for the wrong ones." How true...

I had a lot of pain to deal with, and one day, I re-opened a book that I've had for a long time: "The Bodacious Book of Succulence" by SARK. The url for the Camp Sark website was there... I visited it and it's helped me ever since. The "Marvelous Message Board" is a place of healing... which is something I've been doing a lot of these past months. SARK's words ring so loudly and clearly in me and I have embraced her wisdom. Her writings have been a great influence for me, especially the last half of this year.

When I went to Texas for Thanksgiving, I was on the cusp of a major life decision. For months, the months that I'd been getting to know myself again, digging deep into my soul ("digging in the dirt, to find the places I got hurt, to open up" .... thanks Peter Gabriel), I'd begun to realize that Boston just wasn't my home. As much as I loved working in downtown, seeing all the people there, being a part of the bustle, the architecture, the history, the food, the everything grand about Boston... I was beginning to realize that it's just not where I need to be.

And when I returned from Thanksgiving at my parent's house in Texas... it was final. I dreaded getting on the plane coming back to Boston... put it off as long as possible. I just wanted to be there, with my family.

When I got back home, I moped around my apartment for the rest of the day. I called in sick the next day and continued to mope, until I finally acknowledged what I'd been denying: I needed to move back to Texas. Once I finally admitted it, it began to feel good to say it, to think it. When I said it out loud, it felt even better!

The next day when I went into work, I read my email to find a message about an opening at the Cambridge retail office-- the manager wanted to let me know first, since I had worked there once and really enjoyed it, and she knew I was interested in transferring over there. Then, I read an email from my boss countering that, telling me she'd give me any shift I wanted if I would stay here.

It's nice to feel wanted...

Before I talked to my boss about this, I made a phone call. Then, I took a deep breath and with my head up, I walked into her office and sat down. I thanked her for the offer to give me whatever shift I wanted, and then I told her that I wasn't going to transfer to the Cambridge office. Her eyebrows shot up and I said, "But I'm not staying here either-- but I'm not leaving Council." And then she got worried. Then, I told her I had decided to move back to Texas. And that I had already called the office in Dallas, and they had an opening-- that was the phone call I'd made before going into her office.

It felt so good to say these words!

I started telling people and I started getting used to the idea. The more thinking I did, the better the idea set in my mind, the better it sounded, the more convinced I became that I had made the right decision.

So, this year I did a lot of learning. I learned about myself, maybe more than I'd learned in the past 25 years combined. Well, maybe not that much... but you get the idea. This year had many ups and downs, but the ending-- great. And to boot-- I'm happier and more confident and more sure of myself and who I am than I've ever been. And it's just really tough to beat that feeling...