journal-09/20/99

09/20/99

Yes I am selfish, but I'm also human.

There are so many things I need to do for work, for my grad class, and I don't feel like doing any of it.

I feel like sleeping.

I'm sick-- I have a sinus infection. And I just feel like taking care of myself by sleeping 8-10 hours a night, if possible.

Maybe because I know I probably won't get that much sleep this weekend.

And I want to be well.

I hate being sick. And I don't want anything to detract from my teaching right now, especially since I just finally got back on shift.

But I have so much I need to do.... but I only want to sleep.

And I miss my boy, and I want him near.

And I'm just not interested in the grad class. I mean, the professor seems nice but the work isn't challenging at all. He gives you the answers-- I mean hands them to you... So everyone thinks he's "good" because the work is easy. And I've heard that the whole program is like that.

I don't belong in a program like that, because I just won't do the work. I'll do the absolute bare minimum to get by, and I won't do my best work. I need something that will make me work hard... harder than I've ever worked before. And this program isn't going to do it. Am I basing this opinion all on one class? Yes and no. I've heard plenty from students who have made it all the way through Simmons, and they've all said it's easy.

I don't want easy.

I don't even know what I want right now from a masters program.. but the more and more I think about it, the less and less I like the idea of staying with the Simmons College program for certification in severe special needs.

The good thing is, I know myself well enough to know how my typical lack of discipline would work against me in a program like this. I need constant challenge or I will get bored and I'll slack off (which I've already done).

When I was at Vanderbilt, the easy classes were sometimes the ones I did the worst in. I had to a) love the subject and b) feel challenged in order to do well in a class. The classes I loved most were the ones where I was dumbfounded and fascinated by the professors' knowledge of their subject, and a professor's interest to share that knowledge with the class. It made me want to learn and rise to their level.

And maybe I do the best in those types of classes because that's the kind of teacher I want to be.

That's why I love my teaching job so much right now-- it's always challenging. Every day is a little different. Every kid always forces you to new challenges. And you have to rise to meet the challenge and deal with it, and move on. Or else you end up quitting.

So.