journal-09/18/99

09/18/99

I don't expect a whole lot, but a phone call or an email would have been nice.

Just something to let me know he's thinking about me.

If he is.

He's not the only one going through big changes at work. I am too. It's just that I'm not switching jobs, and he is.

I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm frustrated as all hell. I feel like I'm a million miles away from him and floating further away every minute. I feel out of touch with him and out of touch with the way I feel about him.

Today was a good day at work, sort of. I was supervising all new staff. That was kind of tough, because I couldn't necessarily be everywhere at once. And one of the kids was driving all of us crazy. The only teacher he listened to was me. That made me feel good and bad-- good because I felt like I have finally conquered the attitude I have to take with this kid. Bad because I have been in a new teacher's position when a senior staff steps in and the student obeys them immediately. I felt inadequate when that happened to me... yet I had to turn and do that today just to get the student under control.

I don't know if I made the right decisions.

And then I come home and I'm too fucking tired to deal with my personal life. How can I pretend everything is all 'hunky-dorey' when in my mind it's not? I can't pretend. I have huge doubts right now.

We probably moved too fast. Too much too soon, that sort of thing. Suddenly I was 'taken.' But it didn't matter at the time because I was so certain of my feelings and I was so certain of his feelings.

A week ago, I was still sure of my feelings, but not sure of his (and that drove my insecurities right over the top).

Now I'm not sure of either.

Yes, it's insecurity. But it also stems from just not knowing him as long as I would like to have known him.

And maybe I don't completely trust him yet-- I'm pretty sure of that one, actually...

So that makes it hard for me to just sit here idle when he doesn't call me back for a couple of days, makes it hard for me to believe that the intensity hasn't faded.

My doubts hang like clouds in my mind, overshadowing my hopes,
my heart.

This is hard, but it's not too hard.

And I know that seeing him again, being in his arms again, will melt the doubts away...

I can hope this much is true.