journal-09/01/99

09/01/99

I don't know what's wrong with me today, I just know that I've been in a mood. A pissy one. I have little patience and I feel negative. Maybe I'm just frustrated. But there's a part of me that also feels sad.

My teaching job isn't paying enough. Yankee Candle isn't paying enough. With this paycheck I can't even make ends meet. And that's just killing me, because I hate living like this. I hate not being able to even pay my bills. And then I feel bad because I want to buy things for people I care for... and I just don't have the money to do it.

I can't even buy things for myself, let alone anyone else. I can't even buy gas for my car... things like that are necessities, you know.

I try so hard not to worry about it too much. I try to relax about it, because really, when you truly need money, it's there. It's just not there for me right now...

And I saw my first of four $50 deductions from my paycheck to pay for that Simmons class (my first grad class), and the first thing I thought of when I saw that was "I've got to just drop that fucking class." The thoughts snowballed quickly into thoughts of not getting my masters degree. Frankly, that really doesn't bother me right now, since I haven't even figured out if I want a masters in Severe Special Needs...

That's $200 that I'm going to need at some point.

And I go through these phases, I know. Some phases where I literally worry myself sick about things like money-- and then a month later (or a week, or a day, an hour) it's like I don't have a single care in the world. What's up with that?

I've seen so many Jeep Wranglers today, and of course that makes me think of my man. I miss him so terribly much I can hardly stand it. I'm so tempted just to show up at his doorstep just so I can see him, hold him, look into his eyes and hear his voice embrace me. I ache without him. Something about him ignites a fire inside of me, and when he's not around me I feel like I'm burning out or something crazy like that...

Today was even a good day, too. It went by quickly, I got some things done, and I was able to be very helpful in the classroom. I don't know what's up with my mood, but I wish it would just go away. I hate worrying, because it makes me feel yucky.

I haven't been hungry tonight, which is unusual for me. I just want Russ to hold me, because I know that then I would feel better.

I know I can bear my woes myself. I know I'm strong enough-- but I want him near me-- maybe I'm just making up an excuse (or 2, or 4) to want to be with him more often.

And I know I need him, too...

And I need more money. I realize that I love my job, but I just need more money. And I can't spread myself so thin as to get a third job or do something I know I'll hate. If I do that I'll only make myself miserable and run myself way down in the process.

A solution must arise... and soon.